Below is a chat session between Manjulata and AD. Manju is an experienced teacher of English language at a reputed school in Bhopal, M.P., India. She has been associated with AD on a Child education project while she was in Delhi and since then she is closely following AD's activities in the cyber world and elsewhere too..ML: AD think u r good at that..You can make a person reach the resolution.. one question bothers me.. How can we do away with expectations as it leads u to bitterness.
AD: expecting is human.. why not to expect? :-)
MD: but You land up nowhere with it.
AD: wherever we are today.. is it 'nowhere'?
MD: I mean in ur relations.
AD: See.. all we expect in relations is love, understanding and care.. but unfortunately these are the things which can only be given and received.. These are like rain, sun and wind.. which come to us because existence loves us.. we do not have any right on these.. Similarly love, understanding and care can not be expected.. it depends whether other person is capable of giving it or not. If he/she is empty, skewed, already void of these you can just let go. These things can only be given..
MD: hmm there u r..but when u give u expect.
AD: Have you ever thought what exactly you give..?
MD: whatever u do for others u care for others and that sort of things..
AD: Correct. Lets first disect this 'doing or giving'. In fact 'doing or giving' is either your action, your caring speech, your body or your tender thoughts.. nothing beyond is possible. If you include money in this list then I would suggest you better open a credit and thrift society with laid down rules and take 5 sureties before you give your money to someone.
MD: :-)
AD: Further you would notice that While you do something.. which gives YOU joy you can be sure that it is doable.. The simple fact is when you are giving or doing a thing which gives you JOY, the feeling of 'i am 'doing it for him/her' is not possible. Right? Your joy is the motive here.. so this can not counted in 'doing or giving'..
ML: hmm..
AD: Lets evaluate mental action.. When you naturally think 'soft and good' about someone those thoughts and care that can also not be taken as 'doing something for someone' because it is something which is giving you happiness. In fact more good you thing of others more happy you feel.. and if you aren't feeling this way you are not doing it right.
MD: But sometimes u need the same when u feel low or little disturbed. Isn't it?
AD: I will come to that later..
Now about your body - When you give your body volunteerily.. 'it is naturally pleasurable process in which you always 'receive pleasure'.. in this case also there is no possiblity to think that you gave something to other.. or did something for someone because it gave equal amount of happiness, joy and pleassure to you too.
We have ruled out two options (Thought and Body) where we could have felt the sense of 'giving'... Still there is no dispute on your experience that there are actions on which you feel like 'i am doing it for others'. Well.. Lets see why and when.
If we look from a broader perspective.. whatever we tend to do for others.. fall in two categories.
1. we are doing something which is giving me instant gratification and pleasure, happiness.
2. where we are giving, doing sometihing now.. projecting happiness, joy, return in future..
MD: hmm
AD: If we refrain from step 2. the problem is solved..:) Simple.. isn't it?
MD: Not so easy.
AD: I know.. So before you do something.. evaluate it.. Think if it gives YOU joy or not. If it does not.. you can choose to stay unmoved. But if you, out of fear of losing a person... or something of that sort engage in any activity which is painful... you will definitely expect returns.
I know it is not as simple as I told you.. but having two pronged approach in practical life is necessary.. 1. Start moving from selective goodwill to omnipresent good will..
2. Learn to be fearless and wise.
MD: Some times we do things because of fear of losing the person or the relation.Then what?
AD: Thats a situation where your fearlessness will come handy. Also if you start expanding your consiousness you will naturally help someone rather than out of fear.
MD: I want to correct u,we don't expect something very great,May be aliitle attention or acknoledgement.
AD: :-) Thanks for correction. A small tiny hair in the eye is really not a very big thing.. but gives really too much pain and irritation. Those little expectations hurt us where we are most tender.. 'our emotional expectancy center'.
You are right.. very little are our expectations.. but then when they fall in our eyes.. we cant rest or be at ease.
MD: hmm,so what do we do? It disturbs u for along time. We can't get away with it?
AD: Another way to look at it is.. we are expecting great troubles through our little expectations. Isn't it?
MD: yes I agree
AD: Will it be wise to expect then?
MD: No but it remains there
AD: The art of being at ease is about being wise. Nothing else.
And if that pain or hurt doesn't go and we feel that we are struggling to not think and act that way despite knowing the fact that it hurts to expect.. Shouldn't we accept that we are really stupid.. unable to see merit in a particular way of action.
And mind you the moment you think and declare (if mentally it doesn't help... i suggest do it vocally with a smile on face) that 'it will be idiotic to expect' you would see this pattern is gradually vanishing. Affirmations are needed here to break the pattern and remind yourself.. Teach yourself that you need to be wise and thus not do or wish a thing which can be painful. You have all the rights to keep yourself happy and if you decide to that.. you will be at ease for sure.
It works.. because no one including the most idiot person under the sun wouldn;t want to declare it every day to him/herself that she/he is an idiot.
MD: :) hmmm
MD: but.. For me I know it already I'm a fool and i'm so cosidered by others :)
AD: But I know you are wise.. just unveil yourself.
MD: hahaha
AD: People say discover yourself.. I have a lighter word.. just 'uncover' yourself.
MD: I've discovered and uncovered myself thats why I made that comment about myself
AD: If you really made that comment.. it is time to decide if you want to stay like that or change?
MD: I want to change ofcourse
AD: There are people for whom challenging Affirmations work.. on mental declaration like 'I am stupid if I expect' they feel like fighting out the pattern and winning over it. For some the challenging or negatively loaded affirmations/self-reminders dont work.. they need something like "I am wisel.. why will I expect and feel pained. I know people dont come up to expectations and so it is not good for a wise person like me to think differently."
Just see which one works for you...
MD: ok
AD: And also.. You should try stop working out of 'fear of losing'..
MD: hmmm
AD: These two jointly can uncover you completely and uncover you and expose the wiser woman in you..
MD: sounds good :)
AD: Then practice it.. and let me know how it sounds when it is hit against the wall of your behaviour pattern.. metallic or a thud :-)
MD: sure.. Thank you so much.
